How To Build A Calm Mind Through ‘Stoic Control’

Jun 30, 2022

“Your mind will take the shape of what you frequently hold in thought, for the human spirit is coloured” — Marcus Aurelius

At the core of human existence, is the essence of agency. The privilege to choose. The power to make decisions.

Deprived of such liberty, and humans will feel they are at loss.

Such has been the case during these pandemic times. With uncertainty looming upon us (those living in Sydney), it’s hard to recenter our motivation and desire.

Devoid of socialisation and being outdoors with nature, many of us feel estranged — almost as though much of life’s joys have been taken away from us.

Me included. I miss going out to take photos. I also miss my partner and all my interstate friends.

And so feeling like we’re at loss, we lose our compass, susceptible to surrendering to these adversities. Not wanting to take any action.

However, the truth is that regardless of what’s been taken away, one thing that will always remain is our agency.

Our ability to choose.

Changing Your Perspective

We’ve all heard of the phrase ‘looking at the glass half full’.

That we should focus on seeing the positives and ignore the negatives.

Admittedly, in these times, it’s hard to focus on that when difficult times make it seems as if the glass has been knocked over and the water is all but spilt.

It is here we really ask ourselves — what’s the point?

Often times, we focus on the 1 negative aspect in our life. We absorb all our energies into this one blemish. And rightfully so… as it’s important to feel all of the emotions rather than suppress and create cognitive dissonances.

However, what we should try do is that once we finish feeling these emotions, take a step back and observe the blemish with the respect with everything else in life.

Slowly, over time, we’ll begin to realise that yes we gave energy to that 1/10 but in doing so… we forgot that we have 9/10 positive things happening in our life right now.

That we are ever so blessed with opportunities.

And with this, we come to realise that the glass that was spilt has potential to be filled up once again.

What’s living with arete?

This is about being your best version in the here and now. If we want to live that happy life, we need to express our best self in every moment. It’s about aligning our chosen actions with our deep values. Being true to oneself…

Returning To Your Old Self

When we are disillusioned by circumstances that are out of our control, we lose touch with ourselves. Almost forgetting what our heart yearns for, or rather what fulfils our spirits.

When we miss someone, we return to them. The same principle should apply for when we feel at loss. We return home to ourselves.

We start to question what it is that used to bring us joy. What it is that we can control.

Even right now as I am writing my first article since last September in 2020, I’m starting to unravel these lost joys. Whatever that may be for you, tap into these and fall in love once more.

Give yourself that autonomy and agency to decide how you want to invest your energies.

For what is true will always remain.

But even if we don’t know, then there’s still chance for us to try something new.

Me? I started to freelance more and have challenged myself to experiment colour-grading videos — something I’ve always been hesitant about.

The universe is ever so abundant with opportunities, basking us with such challenges to be inquisitive.

So go on, try something new. Learn something, no matter how big or small.

Because at the end of the day, it’s not the outcome that matters but rather, the learning process.

And the proof that comes with that. Because the more that proof compounds on each other, the more we will:

a) believe in ourselves

b) remember that we have full control of our own circumstances no matter what.

In uncertain times where we feel as though nothing substantiates, our greatest power is to prove otherwise. To prove that we can control what we want to control.

Peace of mind is the precursor to happiness. Happiness cannot be chased directly. If you’re chasing happiness directly, what you’re actually chasing is pleasure and pleasure comes with a withdrawal symptom. Pleasure is a high and then you crash down. Pleasure is a Ferris wheel, you get on and ride it up and eventually you ride it back down. If you actually want to be happy, if you want to be content, that comes from peace.

Just Pick One (Or Two)

As you begin to feel steadfast and confident in your own potential, chances are you’ll begin to list down all the great things you’ll want to tackle.

I’m so guilty of this. I have been for years and to be honest, still am.

At this current moment, I am focusing on probably way too much:

Growing my Etsy store
Growing my photography on Instagram
Learning better photo editing practises
Learning how to invest into ETF’s
Providing freelance marketing services for clients
Running 15km

Oh, and all of this on top of my full time job. I’m not here to stroke my own ego by listing all of this down. If anything, it’s crushing it. Because upon looking at this list, I can honestly say there’s not one thing I’m “excelling” at. And that’s not me being a harsh critic. That’s just me being honest to myself.

In one of my favourite books, Essentialism, Greg McKeown states:

“Essentialists see trade-offs as an inherent part of life, not as an inherently negative part of life. Instead of asking, “What do I have to give up?” they ask, “What do I want to go big on?”

I think now more than ever, we’re inherently greedy. Whether it’s seeing how someone made $$$ on Tiktok or how a friend is thriving off his crypto investments, we are easily exposed to what our network is achieving. And with exposure, comes distraction. Perhaps jealousy even. So much so, that we lose sight on what we want to achieve. In trying to match our friends, we forget what truly matters to us.

If it means deactivating your accounts, do it. Whatever you do, always remain insensitive to what you see. Applaud and congratulate as you should. But never become jealous nor feel less in the process of doing so.

Remember, time and energy spent worrying what others are doing can be reallocated into yourself. Even if that looks like doing nothing or relaxing to recentre yourself!

The Attitude Of Equanimity

In my last article, I spoke about the path towards finding synchronicity. The process that sees us appreciate divine timing and accepting that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. That the universe gives us what we need when we are ready.

However, as humans of agency, we cannot solely rely on the universe to lead us to these destinations. We too, have to put in the work.

“Fate leads the willing and drags along the reluctant.” ~ Seneca.

It’s all about starting. Just with everything in life, things compound on each other and growth comes over time. Unfortunately, nothing good comes overnight and I think it’s easy to forget with how much “instant success” is glorified and promoted on social media.

As we lose ourselves in this process and become faithful of what may be; we start to develop an attitude of equanimity. Even if that outcome turns out to be “unfavourable”, the thought of “euthymia” or rather the faith we have in ourselves and the universe reminds us the things that don’t happen are just as important.

However, this journey towards euthymia is hugely dependent on cultivating an attitude of equanimity.

According to Tricycle, the term translates two separate Pali words used by the Buddha, upekkha and tatramajjhattata.

Upekkha, means “to look over” and refers to the equanimity that arises from the power of observation — the ability to see without being caught by what we see. When well developed, such power gives rise to a great sense of peace. Upekkha can also refer to the spaciousness that comes from seeing a bigger picture. Colloquially, in India the word was sometimes used to mean “to see with patience.”

As for tatramajjhattata?

Tatra — all these things
Majjha — middle
Tata — to stand or to pose

Put together, the word becomes “to stand in the middle of all this.” In essence, equanimity to me means to stay grounded in your values and your priorities. It’s a matter of understanding what’s important to YOU and sticking to that no matter the external distractions. And when you do so, ensure you carry on calmly without being overly fixated on the end outcome.

Unlike the “monkey mind” where one jumps from one thing to another, equanimity is underpinned by the presence of mind. The ability to think and act calmly and efficiently.

I am so guilty of this. Just last night as I was scrolling through photographers on Twitter, admiring their traction and work. Then suddenly, upon noticing that many were pushing their work on Opensea.io I started to also realise that many of their DP’s were of NFTs (e.g. Bored Ape Yacht Club). And before I knew it, I was deep in a rabbit hole and failed to finish the photo edit I set out to accomplish.

According to the Buddha, the way to bring about equanimity is wise attention: to be continually mindful from moment to moment, without a break, based on the intention to develop equanimity. One moment of equanimity causes a succeeding moment of equanimity to arise. Once equanimity is activated, it will be the cause for equanimity to continue and to deepen.

Final Word

When things seem out of reach, we have ourselves to lean on.

While having control over our decisions may empower our sense of autonomy and achievement, the real joy lies in our individual abilities to discern with a sense of emotional discipline.

No matter how big or small a task, project or goal is, the fact that it is important to us and us only triumphs everything.

When we become completely invested into this, we give ourselves permission to let say no to all external distractions. We protect our energies and double down on control, on things that matter to us.