Why do achievements matter more than experiences?

I’m staring at my keyboard, unsure of how to best express these emotions. I’m usually good at doing this, but this feeling, it’s quite unfamiliar. As much as I try shrug it off, it seems to be lingering around the back of my mind. It doesn’t overwhelm, nor does it makes me anxious. It just exists.

As some of you may know, I was laid off from work and while I’ve seen it as a blessing in disguise with how it will allow me to explore and re-explore other areas in life outside of work… there’s this confusion that has recently heightened.

Not because I don’t know what to do with my life, or because I feel like I’m wasting time.

But because I am so confused as to why I am so obsessed with associating my self-love with what I do, rather who I am.

No matter how much I try to appreciate my memories and experiences, I return to this viscous cycle of tying my with tangible accomplishments.

I can’t speak on behalf of everyone, but surely I can’t be the only one who feels like this right?

The year of 2023 alone has been monumental for me:

• I did things I didn’t think I could do… Got myself into running where I entered four races this year alone including my first ever half-marathon which ultimately crystallised new healthy habits with exercise and fitness where I unearthed a new appreciation for my aerobic health

• Travelled to Japan for the first time with my partner; along with other new destinations such as Cairns

• Took the opportunities to partake in exciting photography shoots

• Finally launched staywavy.co - a project I’ve been keeping on the shelf for way too long

• Continued to master my photography and started sharing my work more

• Rekindled my love for landscape photography as a whole - expanding beyond just the Australian coast

• Attended sporting events including my first NRL grand final where I supported my beloved Broncos

• Got laid out from work and have been unemployed for the first time

In addition to all of these moments, I’ve been able to nurture my relationships with family, friends and my partner.

And yet despite the amazing year that has been for me, my mind and heart disregards all of this. It disregards all of my experiences and it replaces it with the hollowness of inadequacy. The question of “what have I done?” seems to be of greater importance even though deep inside I know this shouldn’t be the case.

My self worth and self love is so heavily attached with achievements, rather than the person I have grown to be. Why is that?

Even right now as I’m planning my big two month trip, I’m finding it difficult to accept and open my heart towards this exciting experience. Rather, I feel guilt and disappointment that I am spending so much money and taking two months to travel when I haven’t achieved anything grandeur.

I came across this podcast excerpt from Chris Williamson and this is something that’s been on my mind a lot. The video is making me realise that the struggles that, I and perhaps you reading this, face is deeply rooted in our relationship with ourself.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C0Kz7cqvDkv/

The impact of childhood trauma on one’s perspective of success

Since I’m already on the Chris Williamson train, I want to touch upon something very interesting I heard in one of his interviews with Rich Roll (another figure who I really admire).

There was mention in Modern Wisdom episode #685 regarding how some of us chase success because of how we were raised by our parents. Growing up we were praised or congratulated for whenever we achieved something. That love we yearn for was only attainable if we reach that destination. This conditioning and association between achievement and love; I believe has spilled over into adulthood because deep down we all want love. We think that the more we achieve, the more love we will receive.

Chris Williamson goes on to say this quite eloquently:

We sacrifice the thing we want (happiness) for the thing which is supposed to get it (success).

Failure can make you miserable but I’m not sure success will make you happy.

One of the most common dynamics I see amongst high performers is this:

Parents want their child to do well. Parents encourage their child to do well by praising when they succeed and criticising when they fail.

The child learns that praise and admiration is contingent on succeeding.

That lesson metastasises through early adulthood into “I am only worthy of love, acceptance and belonging if I succeed”.

Now, powered by an internal feeling of insufficiency, this person is driven to achieve many things.

They’re prepared to out-work, out-hustle and out-suffer everyone else because they’re not just running toward a life they want, they’re running away from a life they fear.

Success and progress ameliorates the feelings of insufficiency. Therefore, success and progress become prioritised above everything else.

If the pursuit of success is in an effort to make us happy. And in the pursuit of success we make ourselves miserable.

Why not shortcut the entire process and just BE happy? Is that even possible

Now, external accolades do count for a lot

I don’t think that recanting all worldly possessions and retreating to a cave in the woods is an optimal strategy. Some degree of external, material success is important to make us feel validated and satiate our desire for status and respect.

But external success won’t fill an internal void.

Insufficiency Adaptation is this: If your drive to succeed comes from a fear of insufficiency, and you continue to disprove those fears with success in the real world, and yet the feeling of insufficiency persists, what makes you think that the answer to this problem is more success?

‍

The truth is this. Love is unconditional and is not earned. Therefore, we shouldn’t think that more achievement = more love.

Some thoughts on ambition, expectations and insecurities

As I’m writing this out to reflect my emotions, I’m starting to realise a few factors triggering this imbalance between achievement and self-love:

Delusion of reality and realistic expectations

It goes without saying that the permeance of social media and success has tainted my grip on reality. What takes decades to achieve, seems like days. What is turbulent, seems like a linear progression.

Being driven by insecurity rather than passion

I must admit that I am an insecure person, driven mostly by the people I surround myself with. All the individuals, in their own right, have built something admirable and found success in their own way. Yet despite knowing that inspiration is great and it should be kept under the point of unhealthy pressure, I have admittedly fallen into the trap of being insecure. And I think its this insecurity that pushes me to overvalue the importance of achievements so that I can convince myself that I too belong or have the right to be associated with these individuals.

Tying too much of my external identity on what I do and not who I am

This follows a lot from the above where I think historically, I’ve had a lot of external validation from friends and family which has subsequently caused me to tie a lot of who I am to how my circle perceives me. As cliche as it sounds, I care too much about how my loved ones see me and subconsciously I believe that the easiest way to control that is through visible and tangible achievements - hence the over obsession of achieving these goals. It’s almost as though I let other people define the love I should give myself rather than me taking directive.

Lack of gratitude and meditation

Most importantly, I do believe that all of the above can be weathered by practices of gratitude and meditation. Sure, I’ll spend some time here and there to reflect as I am right now but its the infrequency of it that is creating the turbulent emotions. As much as I acknowledge that gratitude brings contentment which ultimately lets you know when enough is enough, I have starved myself of time and space to do just that.